Tired

Do you ever just get tired? Not from lack of sleep, the baby waking up 3 times in the middle of the night, the restless nights of tossing in your bed, the paper due the next morning, the noises that keep you up...

Tired of life in general? Tired of how it's going, how routine it is, how stuck you feel sometimes? Tired of the mundane? Tired of the complacency? 

I'm tired of the ordinary. I want something extraordinary. I want everyone to want something extraordinary. I'm tired of wanting it for them. I'm tired of believing in it for them.

Why can't they see? Why can't they believe?

Do you wish for more, wish that the things you feel in your heart would reveal themselves so that we could live in a better place among better people? Do you get tired of the simplicity of our hearts? There has got to be more.

I'm tired of believing in the power of love to do amazing things. I'm tired of empowering people. I'm tired of encouraging people.

I'm tired of caring about others who don't care about themselves, tired of putting my faith in them only to have them reject it and shut it out and disappoint me and hurt me. Tired of crying for them and weeping for their hearts. Tired of loving them.

Yes, sometimes I get tired of loving people. 

It takes something beyond what I have sometimes. 

I wish I had a choice in that matter, but I don't. I don't even know how I continue to love sometimes. It can only come from one Place. When I feel so depleted and empty, I still love, sometimes when I don't even want to. And sometimes that's when it hurts the most. But it's also the place where it's the most real and rewarding at times. And it all just makes me so tired sometimes. It takes everything I have, and everything I don't have.

I'm tired of being looked down upon for my optimism and hope in people and this life. It wears on me. I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one who believes in the good of people and humanity, and believes that honest change can be made within the heart of even one person. I'm tired of being alone in how I view things, tired of being mostly misunderstood and a voice in the dark. 

It's so refreshing when someone else in this room hears my voice in the dark. I can't see them, but I know someone hears me. Those are the people in my life that refresh me and rejuvenate me. And when no one does, He does. But I still get tired.

I'm tired of sometimes being the light in the darkness, but having it rejected because someone is too scared of the light. I'm tired of feeling compelled to speak the truth, only to be hurt when it's not heard or received. Why am I called to share my heart in a transparent way then? It makes me tired, this cycle.

I'm tired of being responsible. Responsible for my life, where I choose to be, how I choose to feel, who I choose to have in my life, what paths I choose to take, how I choose to react. It takes too much energy to choose every day how I am going to receive life and people, how I am going to portray myself, how I am going to treat others; some days I just don't want to have to be responsible for my actions, emotions, experiences- and I want all that energy back so that I can love with it.

I'm tired of being the mature one, the independent thinker, reflective of my life, introspective, wise, smart, decisive, direct. I don't have energy to be all those things, all of the time. But I have to. It's what makes me. But God give me strength. How am I supposed to do it all of the time?

I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of fighting the fight and keeping the faith. 

But I will.

Because I learn strength beyond measure, and I am glad.

I am blessed, I have been given gifts. 

I love my life, but it makes me tired.

 

I will rejoice.