So Sure?

People get so sure of themselves sometimes. Or should I say, WE get so sure of OURselves sometimes. We think that we know who we are, what we like and dislike, who we love, how we feel, what we want, what we deserve, the list goes on and on. And in doing so, we sort of live in a bubble of sorts; one that we self-create. Sometimes mentally, sometimes literally. This is not always bad; we sometimes venture out of that bubble to socialize, relate, serve and love... Some things push us out of our bubble against our will... But in general, I have noticed that we all have some sort of "bubble" that feels comfortable to us and that we work within as we go through life.

And then something happens that changes all of that. 

I have come to feel apathetic about Valentine's Day. Not because I'm old and bitter and cynical. (Some of you would argue this, ha ha!) But because the day does not signify for me what it does for many others. I don't see the validity in showering someone with pointless STUFF in order to show that you love them. I much prefer to do that all the time, in many different ways. Plus I'm always broke :) So, I have kind of steered away from the highlighted day for a few years. This year on February 14th, I got to attend a wedding reception for a dear friend of mine; the ultimate Valentine's Day, if you will. It was really nice to witness real love and to share in the union of two people's lives. I also think I was the victim of Cupid on this day. I got home from the reception and found myself on Facebook (shocking, I know!), wondering what my friends were up to on a Saturday night of love. What started as a comment about the reception I went to turned into a friendly and innocent message asking, "what are you up to on this Valentine's Day?" This was the beginning of an almost out-of-body experience for me; I have come to decide that what I experienced from here on out was not of my own doing. There was definitely a third party involved... it was the beginning of a whirlwind.

I consider myself a "safe" person. I don't do irrational things or make sudden choices. I error on the safe side, most of the time, because of the things I have learned and been through. I think things through. I hesitate, especially with men. Casual friendships of the opposite sex have crashed and burned in my face before, so I try to be careful about the choices I make. And on this night, I was invited to hang out and play trivia with someone who I went to elementary school with 17 years ago. How crazy is that?! I didn't KNOW him; I remembered him though, and we had some great conversations online. We had a lot in common and we made each other laugh. But that was all I had to go off of up until now. It was a harmless invitation, no hidden meanings. And at 9:30 at night, I found myself debating driving across town to hang out with a stranger. I was sitting in my apartment going "why am I considering this? What's so different? Why do I feel like I should go? Why am I a little excited?" And I decided that it couldn't hurt, and I should just take a chance. What's the worst that could happen?

I am also one that has never believed in love at first sight. Really, you can't love someone instantly. I still believe this. But when I walked into that restaurant and caught his eye and saw him smile, something happened inside that I've never experienced before. I sat down in that booth, and I remember smiling ear to ear. I felt at ease. I wasn't nervous or shy. Nothing was awkward or forced. For the next 4 hours we laughed, shared stories and caught up, played trivia, talked about college and family, goals and aspirations, and enjoyed the drunken display of karaoke taking place. I couldn't remember the last time I was that genuinely happy. We left with a nice hug, and he asked if we could do this again. Absolutely.

That turned into a dinner date the next week, and more talking. And even more talking. We sat for hours in his kitchen chatting over a glass of wine, and it was like we had known each other forever. Cliche, yes. But true. Over the course of the next week, I found so many more cliches coming true. Things I never thought I'd feel were taking place. I could not put my finger on it, but there was something happening that I was not prepared for. Or so I thought.

You see, I have struggled with my relationship destiny for quite some time, as some of you know. Past decisions and choices have weighed heavy on me, in spite of trusted loved ones saying things like, "you'll find someone/you are young, you have time/you'll have no problem meeting someone." I was in limbo for years, thinking that I couldn't possibly deserve/didn't have the ability to give the kind of love it takes to make a marriage work again. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to give someone all of my heart again. Afraid that I had made a choice (divorce) that would somehow choose the fate of my heart forever. That I had ultimately let God down, forever. That maybe I'd be punished for that choice. Guilt hung around for a long time, until I began to honestly deal with it and accept the choices I had made. With some help from amazing people in my life, I slowly began to reconcile things and move on. I ventured out and dated a couple times, but it never ended up RIGHT. I learned what I wanted, didn't want, what I deserved, who I am, how I treat others, who I want to be for someone. I began to feel worthy again, and my heart began to change and soften. Through all of this, I realized that God did not create me to experience this life alone. My heart has too much to share, He has given me too much, and I knew that someday I would meet a partner to share this life with. To walk through this amazing thing together. To experience a family. I am sure of that. I just didn't know when that would happen. In the end, I see that God was in fact preparing me and my heart for a blessing about to be given to me. He was bringing me through the fire, to be refined, and restoring my heart. If I had not experienced hardships and relationship hurdles, maybe I wouldn't be in the place to make a relationship work? Maybe I would have no idea what it takes to have a successful relationship? Maybe I'd have never learned independence, to be on my own, to live my own life? Maybe I wouldn't appreciate the simplicity of love once I finally found it... maybe I would not have been in the place (in my heart and literally) to meet this amazing man.

Over the course of the last 2 months, I have completely fallen in love. Something I was never sure would happen again. It is easy for me to love- it requires giving of yourself. But falling in love requires trust, vulnerability, and completely surrendering who you are to another human being-- and most of all, God. Things that I really thought I was not capable of doing. Boy, was I wrong. I have a peace in my heart that I have never felt. I know that God has orchestrated something amazing, and is fully responsible for creating a thread between two hearts. Neither of us can explain it. There isn't logic to it. Our hearts just know. Now I believe in the kind of love that you can't explain to others; that you have a hard time defending. I have tried for the last 2 months. I have introduced him to my family, which is something I never thought I'd want to do so soon. I flew 3 states away to meet his parents and family, and spent a holiday with them all. Now I know what it's like for God to prepare your heart for something you never thought possible. Now I believe in the power of a person's eyes, and that it's possible to look into them and see forever.

It is one thing to be content. I have been content in who I am, the things that I stand for, and proud of my accomplishments. But it is another thing to be complete. It's amazing how volunteering my time, helping people, receiving accolades, serving others, pursuing my goals... how all of it can seem empty sometimes. Not that God isn't worthy of those things, because He is. Even if I never had anyone to share it with, I know that I am glorifying God by the way I live my life and the efforts I am making. But now it is completely different. I suddenly know how it feels to have a longing to share your life with another person in every way imaginable. To want to come home to them every night and share your day with them. To have an honest desire to be a team, and tackle this life together. Suddenly, it gives my life a different meaning. Kind of like what I envision parenting to be like. Your life is still worthy and great, but now you have so much more to live for; an addition onto your life.

If I haven't made you barf yet due to the mushy, lovey dovey stuff, thank you :) My life has been turned upside down by amazing love, and if I didn't share it I would be crazy. My life has been redefined. My bubble has been burst, which I am so thankful for. I am excited for each new day. I am excited for the future. I have hope again, and faith in a love that is strong enough to last forever.

"I hate to tell you this, but I'm very, very happy

And I know that's not what you'd expect from me at all

I'm not the kind to smile and bow out gracefully

I always wanted to take it to the wall

But I found somebody with a heart as big as Texas

I found an angel with the golden wings

She saw me down here in the dark somehow

And everything is different now

Yeah, I miss the old crowd sometimes

And the wild, wild nights of running

You know, a starving soul can't live like that for long

You go around in circles that just keep getting smaller

You wake up one morning and half your life is gone

I got so tired of that; I got so lonely

I dropped down, and I called out to heaven

'Send me someone to love.'

And heaven shot back, 'You get the love that you allow.'

And everything is different now

Oh and it's sweet to know

The wisdom that living brings

Since I got a telegram from the God of simple things

She said, 'I don't care what you do for a living.

I don't care what kind of car you drive.

All I want to know right now is what you believe in.

And what it means to you to be alive.

Will you stand here in this fire with me?

Are you ready for another life?'

So I bit that bullet and I took that vow

And everything is different now

Everything is different now"

You can hear this song here.