Moments

Today, tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday I am nannying for a little girl. She will be 4 months old on Monday....so tiny and precious. I haven't taken care of a baby for a long time, but I am partial to them :) I have missed the tiny babes.

Today we walked around her neighborhood with her in her Snugli against my chest, and she fell asleep with the breeze blowing on her face. There were rain clouds in the sky but it was also sunny and it shined right on her little sleeping eyelids. The rhythmic sound of my footsteps and her gently bobbing head with my hand on it to keep it still was really awesome. I kept looking down at her, and feeling her nestled on my chest brought a sense of peace as we walked.

In the past, I have always been a permanent nanny and grown attached to the kids I care for. When I take care of them almost every day, I feel like they are my own, because they are in a way. They are entrusted to me and they love and trust me as a parent figure in their life; I am helping to raise them. But it takes time to establish that...and when I do temporary nanny jobs, I don't get the opportunities to bond with those kids in that way. I get to spend one or two days with them and that time, although it is awesome, is limiting. I don't get the chance to see them day in and day out, learn their habits and quirks, and really get to know them intimately. I often "go with the flow" of their day and schedule, and then I leave.

But today was a little different. Probably because I have not been around a tiny creature for so long...but I felt a much stronger sense of protection and love. The kind I feel for Theodore: the fact that I actually yearn to see him and listen to him and be around him. This little life asleep on my chest is just beginning. Her parents are watching her every move and teaching her so much. She is a new creature, full of future and opportunity. Who knows who she will become? She will change the world. She will love and she will find her calling. I hope she knows God. And who am I to dictate that or screw it up for her by not loving her? I felt all the things that new parents feel. I have friends having babies all around me, and today I felt all of the things that they have shown and told me about their relationships with their kids. I feel blessed to feel these things for children that aren't mine. I have been so blessed to be able to work with families and kids in such a deep and rewarding way. To be able to enrich the lives of others through serving their children. If only the parents could know what lies deep in my heart for their children; the bonds that have been created; the amazingness of their child as seen through my eyes.

And in those moments, it reminds me how offended I feel when people look down upon me for not having kids "yet." Like I should be on some timeline or agenda in life. Or that I missed my opportunity because I was married once. Yes I have heard and felt it all. I sometimes get sick of watching some people around me keep up with the Joneses or take the next step in life just because they are either bored or they are listening to everyone around them except their own heart. Not just having kids, but buying the house, the cars, the boats, the plasma TVs, having more kids because their spouse wants one real bad, or because they are running out of years in their life. And then months or years later they wonder why they are unhappy. This is not everyone, and I don't mean to sound bitter. I realize that I sound real critical here. But it's my blog and I can be if I want to :) 

But really now. I get tired of seeing people (in general) convince themselves that they are happy because they are so afraid to be honest about their life or their heart. And this isn't being high and mighty because Lord knows I have been there before. And some of you reading this know that first-hand. And in a few instances when those people have been close to me (friends or family), it has really hurt me so deeply that I have just had to quit communicating with them altogether. I have found that they don't like when I ask them anything about their lives or happiness; if I question their heart as a friend who cares and wants to be transparent or hold them accountable. When I feel that there is some discord or inconsistency in what they have expressed to me...and I genuinely want to talk to them about that-they have wanted to act like it doesn't exist. They have wanted to deny it instead and shoot down any reason I would have to ask them about their personal goals or lives. How about this reason: BECAUSE I AM YOUR FRIEND? Because I would want you to do that very same thing. Because that's what a friend does. And (obviously you can tell by this lovely aside), a mixture of hurt and anger unfolds, and I've just had to let it go. Once again, it's not like I never shot my friends and family down when they have questioned me on something that I didn't want to hear. But at some point, we all have to listen to our hearts and quit covering crap up.

I don't want to be one of those people. I want to be prepared in my heart for life as best I can. I want to feel so full of joy that I want to vomit. I want to feel accomplished in my own personal goals. I want to go to bed at night and not have to wrestle with my heart over my life. I want to fulfill that strong calling that God has placed upon my heart. I want to know my purpose and what I am to be doing in this life. I never want to be complacent in my relationship with God. I never want to be back in a dark place like I once was. I don't want to be stagnant or dissatisfied. I want to always be thinking forwardly, not stuck somewhere.

Alright well if you haven't gotten offended or upset by now, and have read all the way to the here, thank you. And as you can tell, I totally just vented. The child thoughts spurred all my other thoughts and it kind of just took off on a tangent. But I do get tired of feeling looked down upon for being 26 with no kids. Like I am not worth something if I don't have kids like everyone else my age. Like since I'm not a stay at home mom I am not worthy. It gets old. There is a lot that I try to contribute every single day of my life. And it's not easy to make the choices that I have made. I am proud of the things that I am invested in, and that includes the children in my life and the ones that I nanny for. And those that truly know me, know how much I love and adore kids, and want to have some of my own one day. Maybe the beginning part of this blog was my biological clock ticking, ha ha. Maybe it's because it's that time of the month. Maybe I'm being oversensitive right now. I have been so moody and emotional and touchy lately. Maybe I just feel deeply. All of the above?

Thank you to those of you who are true friends and family to me. You challenge me, you stretch my thinking, you confront me out of love, you love me unconditionally, you understand me, you respect me, you support me. I admire you more than you know for being honest and real with me about your life.